


blue fits you better than red

by dozingoff



Category: Akira (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Injury, Canonical Character Death, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mostly Everyone Lives, Suicide Attempt, i mean it could be happy too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:13:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28891188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dozingoff/pseuds/dozingoff
Summary: i told you red would never fit.a world in which tetsuo had visible mental issues and kaneda felt too much for him.
Relationships: Kaneda Shoutarou/Shima Tetsuo
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	blue fits you better than red

**Author's Note:**

> tw for suicide (attempt/aborted) and self-harm

He dumped his laundry out over his bed, quickly sorting through his shirts and jeans which, admittedly, wasn’t much. 

As he separated them, his eyes kept being drawn over to a dark blue jacket, fingers frequently picking at the strings, unsure. He couldn’t remember where he got it, but it seemed incredibly familiar. He tugged it on, becoming even more confused when it was loose-fitting. 

He kept it on while he folded up his clothes.

-

Kaneda watched idly as Tetsuo drove around on his bike, figure eights swirling as he figured out how to turn. 

“How do you like the bike?” Kaneda called out, “I thought maybe you would like the blue.”

“I like it, it’s nice. The blue’s nice.” Tetsuo grinned up at him, before continuing his laps around the ruined parking lot. “Thanks.”

Kaneda only smiled, burrowing his mouth into his arm. It felt too sweet of a smile.

“Wanna head out onto the highway?” 

“You mean take a race?”

Kaneda laughed, “A race? You just started, man.”

“Good practice?”

“Good practice to get into an accident.”

Tetsuo stopped in front of him again, engine puckering out, “C’mon, loser buys the winner a drink.”

Kaneda scoffed, “A date, then.”

-

He eyed a small keychain as he scanned through the isles of snacks, hands twitching. His mind drifted off to Tetsuo, to the blues he adored. He reached past it, grabbing a pack of gum.

He picked up some other snacks and a drink, before standing in line under the yellow lights of the store. He requested for a pack of cigarettes, watching his items drop into a plastic bag. 

His mind kept drifting back to the soft blue of the bear, hands continuing to twitch. The blue felt incredibly like Tetsuo. A groan met the air and he turned back.

He threw the blue bear at Tetsuo when he saw him a few days later, watching his eyes squint at it and frown suspiciously at Kaneda. He grinned and revved his bike.

“A race, then a date?”

-

He sat behind Tetsuo in class, (not even class. It was just a hangout at this point) watching as he continued to pick at his sleeves. 

“Does your arm itch or something?” Kaneda moved down next to Tetsuo, frowning when he flinched.

“What?”

“Your arm. You keep picking at it.” He tugged on his sleeve, grabbing his hand. He traced small circles into his knuckles, “Is it what I think?”

Tetsuo stared at him, “What is it?” 

“Tets.”

His gaze fell down to Kaneda’s hand, gripping his own hand.

“...no.”

“Then?”

“Can we not talk about it right now?” Tetsuo tugged his hand away, crossing his arms and leaning away. 

He frowned, leaning back. He let his knee bump against Tetsuo’s and left it there.

-

“I thought you said it healed.”

“It did.”

He made a face at Tetsuo, frowning. “That doesn’t look healed, it looks red.”

“What other color should it be, green?”

“The color of your skin, dumbass. It’s bleeding.” Kaneda grabbed his arm, forcing his sleeve up further, “I told you to stop picking at it.”

Tetsuo was silent, watching Kaneda touch the surface of his cut gently, coming back bright and red. “I said to keep it wrapped. Plus, red doesn’t suit you.” He mumbled out, wiping his finger on his jeans and leaving to rummage through his bathroom for bandages. Tetsuo frowned.

“It’s not that bad.” He followed him, leaning against the wall.

Kaneda peered up at him, “It’s bad because you did it to yourself.” 

“I didn’t do it-”

“Tetsuo. Just- just come here.” Kaneda patted the spot next to him. Tetsuo obeyed, albeit stiffly. It was quiet between them, as Kaneda continued to shuffle through his box, “I don’t, I don’t have any more bandages. You guys used them up.” He set it down, “Do you want to come to the store with me?”

“Are you buying it?” 

“Well, I’ll see if I can find a store without cameras.” He gave a small smile, something new since Tetsuo came in with red itching down his arm. 

-

“Tetsuo?” He glanced around, hands running down the walls, struggling to find the light switch. “Hey, bud?” His fingers felt the protruding plastic, quickly flicking it. 

And there he was, curled on the bed and eyes wide. “Tetsuo? Hey, what’s wrong?” He kept his voice low, soft and sweet as he could muster. He stood next to the bed, leaning over. 

He saw the pill bottle and felt his heart drop. “Hey, Tets, can you look at me?” He clambered on the bed, “Just look at me. Please?” He ran his fingers down his cheeks, hands gripping his shoulders. Tetsuo stared up at him, empty. Kaneda shook him, “Did you take them?” 

Tetsuo shook his head. He pointed to the pills spilled on the ground next to the bed. Kaneda loosened his grip and almost cried. “OK, can- can you let go of the bottle? And face me?” He slowly laid down next to him, the adrenaline slowly leaving him. “I just need you to face me.” He watched as Tetsuo’s grip loosened, the bottle slowly rolling over. He sighed. “Okay, good.”

“I didn’t- I didn’t want to die. I don’t.” Tetsuo mumbled. 

“Well, that’s good. I don’t want you to either.” He spoke in hushed tones, arms tugging him closer, hands closing behind his back. “I would like it if you stayed here.”

He didn’t respond, but he heard his breath hitch and Kaneda wondered what brought him to this point.

-

It was a slow process. Kaneda saw it as a push and pull (as well as a test of how much his heart can take being scared for Tetsuo so much). Tetsuo was easy to anger, harder to soothe. Kaneda kept staying near him, too on edge to really take his eyes off him. Tetsuo wanted him to leave, Kaneda wanted him to stay. Neither were ever really satisfied. 

Maybe they pushed their luck too far.

-

He watched as Tetsuo sped on after the clowns, silently praying he’d stay safe. There was a bitter taste in his mouth as he continued on, wondering what speed Tetsuo was chasing at while he hiked up his own speed.

His prayers weren’t answered when the explosion went off. There was too much red blinding through, as he raced towards it. The red of his sleeves, the red of his bike, the red of the explosion, the red of Tetsuo’s blood. He told him so many times the color red didn’t suit him. He decided later on, whatever god there was, wasn’t a god at all. Whoever it was, gave Tetsuo the color of red. 

-

He wanted to cry so bad. He felt so incredibly tired, felt so incredibly weak. If anything, he was glad Kaisuke was still around, glad Kei stuck around (but god, he missed Yama). He kept the blue keychain, tucked into his front jean pocket, continually running his fingers over it. He hated that he missed Tetsuo. He admitted it to Kai one day, the quiet days in between chasing after Tetsuo. 

“It isn’t a bad thing.” Kai reassured him, legs dangling off the top of the building. “I miss it too, y’know? They were the nicer days, for us.” Kaneda nodded along, quiet. 

“But, he killed Yama, and now, now we’re here. The military is here, Tetsuo is gone and it’s just us two.”

“Kei is here.”

“Yeah, but, you know what I mean.” Kai nodded, solemn. 

Kaneda rubbed his eyes, tired and weighed down. “I just, I don’t know. He used to hurt himself, I used to have to keep him from downing a bunch of pills.” He counted too many nights watching Tetsuo stare silently at bottles of pills, too many nights of fighting, too many nights pulling and hugging Tetsuo close, nervous to let go. He refused to get checked, refused help. “I wish I was better.” 

“It’s none of our faults, I think. Maybe it was a little bit of everyone’s fault.” 

He hummed. “Did you know?”

“About Tetsuo?” 

“Yeah.”

Kai tilted his head, watching the sun dip into the city's skyline, “I think so. He didn’t seem well, and he just seemed too… revved up to really ask without getting him upset. It was hard to talk to him. Plus, you always worried over him. And you don’t tend to worry about things much.”

“Yeah, because I wondered if he wanted to race all the time just to purposely get into a crash.”

Kai frowned, laying down and watching the stars blink into the new night sky, “Maybe. But, I think in the end, he wouldn’t really want to die.”

-

“Tetsuo.” He climbed up the ruins, the gun strapped to his back and feeling far too heavy. 

“Kaneda! Enjoying the view?” His arm swept over the ruined city, “I think it’s a good backdrop.”

Kaneda grimaced, remembering too much of racing through the highways, “It’s alright.” He focused on Tetsuo’s new outfit. The red of his outfit, the spike of his hair. The red felt too bright. 

“I thought maybe it was a good spot to fight, hm? A little one on one?”

Kaneda didn’t respond. Too much red, too much red, too little of blue (But, the white was close to blue? No no no it wasn’t). 

Tetsuo raised his eyebrows, “What? Too scared to talk, Kanny?”

Kaneda frowned, “No, I just think the red looks ugly on you.”

Tetsuo tilted his head, “Too bad, I don’t think I really care much of what you think.”

“Hm, picking out a spot to fight? I’m not sure.” He tried for cocky, but it came out far too devoid of emotion. He barely registered Tetsuo’s frown.

The gun felt too heavy, loaded and too much to deal with. He groaned, throwing it down, “If you use your fucking powers, it ain’t fair. Fists, Tetsuo.” He rolled his sleeves up, “Because if I die here, it better be fucking fair.” He felt too tired. Maybe, he wasn’t sure if he could live in a life like this.

Tetsuo stared, a little confused, maybe a bit shocked. Kaneda stared back. He still wanted to cry, cry over Yamagata, cry over this new Tetsuo, cry over what luck never existed. He felt his throat choke him up. He closed his eyes and imagined somewhere else, a different world, a different world where Akira never existed. He choked, “I take that back. If you let me punch you once, once, I’ll feel better. And maybe I wouldn’t mind dying here.” 

He distantly remembered what Kai said, and wondered if Tetsuo would mind if he died. 

“I don’t want to kill you, Tetsuo. I don’t think I can.” He opened his eyes slowly, “I miss you.” His throat burned.

Tetsuo looked like he did those long nights, eyes lost and empty. Kaneda wanted to hug him. 

“Why not?”

“I just said why. I miss you. I like you too much to do that.” 

“You miss me?”

“Are you still as dense as ever? I thought that part changed.” Kaneda scowled.

He kicked the gun over, watched it tumble down. “I wasn’t lying when I said I would like it if you stayed here.” He rubbed at his eyes, felt sore and tired. “God, Tetsuo. Why couldn’t you just not chase after that stupid clown?” He felt tears prickle, “We would’ve been okay! Maybe we could’ve gotten you fucking help!” 

He scrubbed at his eyes, “Fuck you.” He dropped his arms to his side and stared at Tetsuo. He still wanted to hug him. 

He sighed, walking forward and grabbing his wrists, rubbing circles into them. He leaned forward, laid his head down into his shoulder, and gingerly wrapped his arms around him, hands locked behind him. He felt too tired, too exhausted and worn out. “You’re officially the worst person ever in my life.” 

He felt Tetsuo slowly wrap his own arms around him. He choked, “And red doesn’t suit you at all.”

“Is this mine?” Tetsuo mumbled, poking at Kaneda’s side, “The jacket?”

“Is it? I found it in my laundry a few months ago, but I don’t remember where I got it.”

“Yeah, it’s mine.”

Kaneda felt a little dumb because of course, a blue jacket would be Tetsuo’s. “Oh. I gave my red one to Kei, so I took this one out of my apartment.” 

Tetsuo hummed against his skin, and Kaneda thought maybe their luck didn’t run out.


End file.
